Written in collaboration with Marisa Cohen, Relationship Scientist at Bumble.
Overwhelmed by making new friends? You’re not alone!
Making friends as an adult can be both a wonderful and scary prospect. Unlike the friendships we formed when we were younger, when we were surrounded by the same people at school, where we lived, or through our extracurricular activities, making friends as an adult often requires us to put ourselves out there. That takes vulnerability. You have to start a conversation with someone you don’t know, share a bit about yourself (who you are and what makes you tick), and hope that you’ll find enough common ground to build something more.
The process can feel overwhelming even if making new friends is something you really want and value. How many people should you talk to? How often should you message? When should you suggest meeting up? What if you meet and you’re not feeling a connection? These uncertainties can make the process feel much more complicated than anticipated.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the app, or simply by the idea of talking to and/or meeting new people, here are some useful tips to help make the process feel more manageable:
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Consider shifting your approach
You know what makes you feel most comfortable, so there isn’t one right way to use BFF. However, if the way you’re currently using the app has started to feel like it’s exhausting or overwhelming, it may be worth switching things up for a bit.
If you’re having lots of conversations in the app but aren’t actually meeting anyone, consider choosing one or two people you’ve connected with and suggest an in-person meetup. Moving from messaging to spending time together in real life can help you determine whether the connection you feel online translates to the real world.
On the other hand, if you’ve been meeting lots of people and feel like you’re constantly trying to keep up with new conversations and plans, consider slowing down. Focus on one or two potential friendships at a time rather than trying to build several relationships simultaneously. Making connections doesn’t have to feel like another job.
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Focus on what feels right for you
It’s easy to make comparisons, especially when social media gives us a constant stream of curated photos of people surrounded by friends at group dinners or on vacations. However, comparing your social life to someone else’s makes the process feel even more stressful. Use yourself as your north star. Think about what you’re looking for in a friendship, what kinds of people you genuinely enjoy spending time with, and what feels most authentic to you.
There’s no timeline for building meaningful friendships, and there’s no need to rush the process. Getting to know another person and allowing them to get to know you takes time. Your friendship journey is your own, and it’s okay to take things at your own pace.
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Focus on quality, not quantity
It’s tempting to think that more connections must mean more success, and because of that, there may be a real pull to fill up your entire calendar. You don’t need a long list of new friends to feel socially connected. A few relationships that feel genuine, supportive, and enjoyable can be more meaningful than many surface-level connections. Focus on meeting the people who make you feel comfortable being yourself and who you want to get to know on a deeper level.
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Become friends with yourself
Stepping away from the app temporarily doesn’t mean that you’re giving up on making friends; it can actually give you an opportunity to reconnect with yourself. Intentionally spend time doing the things that bring you joy, whether that’s engaging in a favorite hobby, exploring a new interest, or making more time for activities that leave you feeling like yourself.
You may discover something new about what you enjoy or reconnect with a part of yourself you haven’t made time for. When you’re ready to start meeting new people again, you can bring that renewed sense of self into your connections.
Making new connections can bring up a lot of different feelings, and it’s okay to look for extra support along the way. If you’re finding things difficult or would simply like some additional support with your mental health and well-being, you can explore helplines and support services.